Michelle one of SBR's multi-sport powerhouses passed on the following email to me today. I know Donny will get a kick out of the Doping Cyclist costume.
It's pretty sad if this is indeed the case, but I think that a filter on the Yahoo newsgroup or a different email system replaced word 'cocked' below with '****ed'.
"Wear a bike helmet backwards and ****ed
to one side."
-----Original Message-----
From: Richard Holloway dickholloway (at) gmail.com
To: TeamUSA@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 12:54 pm
Subject: [TeamUSA] Late, but still funny.
Halloween Costumes for Cyclists Not sure what to wear for Halloween?
This article, passed along by a good roadie friend, will solve your dilemma.
There's even a helpful tip specifically for triathletes.
8 Halloween costumes for cyclists
As a cyclist, you are much, much better equipped for Halloween than the
average person. Why? Because you already wear outrageous costumes on a
daily basis.
Think about it. Even though you are a (presumably) sane adult, you wear
a shirt that would look much more at home on a superhero. You wear
shorts that are much, much too tight, as if you were on your way to lead
a jazzercize class. You wear a hat that belongs on an alien.
And, to top the whole look off, you wear what sound and look like
tap-dancing shoes.
It's no wonder, then, that cyclists tend to be pretty lazy about
dressing up for Halloween parties. Instead of putting time and money
into it, you just show up in the outfit you rode to the party in. Hey,
why not? A little sweat completes the effect, right?
What you don't realize, though, is that all your friends, family and
co-workers are rolling their eyes at your lack of imagination. "There
goes Tim," they say, "pretending again that his cycling outfit is a
Halloween costume."
It doesn't have to be that way, my friend.
By spending just a few extra minutes, you can alter your cycling outfit
for the evening, making it so you're not just "a cyclist" at the party,
but a very particular sort of cyclist. Simply follow these easy
instructions.
Doping Cyclist Dress up in full pro kit. Use a marker to draw needle
tracks up and down one arm. Tie a length of surgical tubing above one
elbow and leave a syringe sticking out of your vein. Wheel around an IV
tower for the duration of the party. Stuff your jersey pockets with
bottles of drugs. When anyone asks what / who you are, respond that you
are a professional cyclist. When they ask what all the needles and drugs
are for, say you have no idea what they're talking about. No matter
what, do not admit you have any drug-related items on hand.
Mountain Biker (If You're normally a Roadie): Prepare for the party by
gaining 10Kg and getting 20-30 tattoos. Wear baggy pants -- baggy enough
that they keep falling down. Arrive drunk at the party and continue to
drink once you get there. Insist you have mad skillz.
Roadie (If You're normally a Mountain Biker): Prepare for the party by
putting a stick in your butt. Wear uncomfortably tight cycling clothes
for the party, drink nothing put thrice-filtered water and tell everyone
exactly how many calories and fat everything they're eating contains.
Triathlete: Don't come to the party, because you've only done four
workouts today and still need to get in one more and you don't want to
break training, no matter what.
Recumbent Rider: Tape your glasses together, somehow manage to affix a
pocket protector to your jersey, and loudly and insistently explain to
all and sundry that recumbents are really much more comfortable and
practical than "wedge" bikes. Talk a lot about prostates.
Recreational Cyclist: Wear street clothes with your right pant leg cuff
completely greasy and shredded. Wear a bike helmet backwards and ****ed
to one side. Tell people that you're starting to bike again to get back
in shape.
Commuter: Wear street clothes, but carry a backpack or messenger bag
full of what are clearly stinky bike clothes the entire evening. Make
your helmet hair extremely obvious. Keep looking for opportunities to
casually introduce the fact that you are a bike commuter into every
single conversation in which you participate.
Fixie / Track Cyclist: Dress the same as a road cyclist, but you must
always either keep walking or -- if you must stay in one place -- you
must trackstand by moving a couple inches forward, then back, then
forward and back again.
Dick Holloway
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Friday, November 2, 2007
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2 comments:
Next year, the race closest to Halloween, I'm going to dress and race as a Doper.
I love the Doper costume for doing a CX race. What team jersey might you wear (I'm not up on which teams had the worst dopers)? I've got the perfect water bottle for you. It's from the company that makes EPO.
I might come up a CX rider Halloween costume for next year. I'm in the early stage of ideas, but so far I've got the following:
1. Water bottle in jersey pocket
2. A right side shoulder pad
3. Draw some cuts, scrapes, and bruises on the shins from the pedals and poor remounts
4. Walk around like you're about to have a heart attack and keel over from being in Zone 14
My costume for *doing* a CX race would be to dress up as a sandbagger. I would race C's and carry a bag of sand around, sorta like a camelback. I'd probably race on a MTB to make it more realistic.
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